I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
