He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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