I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
