genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
