I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
