the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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