She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
