this beer tastes like vomit already
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
