I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
