we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
