im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
