I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
