Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I need a beard to bite.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Never joke about your clitoris.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
