At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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