So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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