remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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