Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
