just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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