just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
