I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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