just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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