i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
