I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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