I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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