had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
