dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
