At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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