Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
