whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
