im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
