I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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