your parents love me but you hate me
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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