So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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