Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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