I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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