dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
