I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
