Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
