Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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