I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
