i think i have herpe
just one?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
