seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
