If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
