ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
