i'm signing you up for texting rehab
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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