i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
