Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
