You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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