OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
