I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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