I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
